


Conversations. (Working Title: Fucked Up)

by Tonksbeybey



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: Humans AU, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-04-13 12:30:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4522005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tonksbeybey/pseuds/Tonksbeybey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And the price for the most insensitive conversation with the world's only Human- Synth goes to Mattie Hawkins. My thanks go to my ability to say inappropriate thoughts out loud and to my inability to shut the fuck up. Without them I would never have achieved this. Thank you very much; I'll be here all week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. The story is an au that sets place (once again) in the Hawkins household with all our favourite Synths staying there for a while. I'm not even sure anymore but I'm just gonna assume that I managed to put spoilers in it.

"How on earth aren't you more fucked up?"

The soon as those words had escaped her mouth, Mattie realised that she had said them aloud and felt instant regret.

Leo, who sat on the couch diagonally opposite from where she was sitting and was working on his laptop, just slowly turned his head towards her and looked at her with one eyebrow raised.

"Pardon?"

Mattie blushed and started muttering.

"It's…it's nothing. I was just thinking aloud. I'm… sorry".

Leo just nodded and turned his head back to his work.

Mattie sighed internally from relief that he apparently had been distracted enough to not understand her question.

After a few moments of staring into the distance he suddenly closed his laptop and again turned towards Mattie.

"You think I'm fucked up?"

_Well shit_ , thought Mattie, _so much for not understanding._

He didn't even sound angry, just curious in a way.

"No I don't I um I just wondered… I mean considering…considering everything, you just seem… I mean yeah you are a bit weird but except from that you seem so, I dunno normal?"

_Oh gosh just stop talking, Mattie. Just shut up. Oh boy. Well maybe he will just drop the topic._

"Define normal".

_Oh no there we go._

"Well I mean, you… you manage everything so well. I mean looking after your family, keeping them together. That's a lot of responsibility and, and I mean you're on the run and you have an open wound 24/7 and then considering what happened to you…I mean…the stuff with your parents and your death… you're sometimes even funny and…"

_Oh my god, ugh why won't you shut up? You're making this so much worse._

"So in your opinion I function too well, and should show the world more often what a traumatised train wreck I am?"

Mattie didn't know if the sarcasm in his voice was a good or a bad sign.

"No I just meant that…um…well…"

She didn't even know anymore what she had meant.

Leo sighed deeply.

"Listen, Mattie. You don't know me, or my family for that matter. You think you do because you've seen a lot of things, but you really don't. Yeah you might know more about me, about our history, than any other human, but just because you …this does not mean that you understand, okay? And frankly speaking how "fucked up" I am, is really none of your goddamn business."

Mattie stared at her feet. He was right, of course he was. He hadn't even raised his voice and yet his words very much felt like a slap in the face.

It was just when she felt tears prickling in her eyes that she stood up and left the room without another word.

She didn't want him to think that she was crying because she couldn't handle harsh words, because that wasn't the reason at all. She was crying because she was angry at herself.

Mattie got up to her room, closed the door behind her and lay down on her bed.

_And the price for the most insensitive conversation with the world's only Human- Synth goes to Mattie Hawkins. My thanks go to my ability to say inappropriate thoughts out loud and to my inability to shut the fuck up. Without them I would never have achieved this. Thank you very much; I'll be here all week._ She thought bitterly.

But yet she still wondered how Leo managed to be so considerably normal. She couldn't even comprehend how it must feel like to not forget anything, to have every person clearly mapped out inside one's head. He had told her that they, humans, were not build for this emotionally, and yet somehow he seemed to manage all of it.

_I wonder what I am like inside his head. Despite being nosy and rude. I wonder if…_

Mattie interrupted her own thought. It was probably better to not go down this road. Especially, since she always seemed to manage to remind him of horrible things. A fact which mostly resulted in him being pissed off with her; which she thought was understandable most of the time.

And yet she hated herself a bit or it. She didn't even know what annoyed her more, that she managed to treat him in a way that, she felt, made him dislike her a bit more from time to time; or the fact that she wanted to get to know him so badly, which always brought her in the situation of saying tactless things in the first place.

It knocked on the door.

"Go away."

Mattie wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. She planned on spending the evening feeling embarrassed, guilty and stupid. As well as analysing why she couldn't shrug it off when she fucked up situations with Leo. With Harun this was way more easy. She made a mistake, she apologised sincerely or sometimes not and then he dealt with it. With Leo she always had to fight the urge to check if he really, really was okay, when he said so after one of her verbal missteps.

"Matilda? May I come in?"

Mattie groaned.

"Wait give me a sec!"

She wiped away the tears that had never made it down her face, but instead were still lounging about in the corner of her eyes.

She stood up and opened the door just enough to allow her visitor a look on her and not her entire room.

"Yeah? How can I help you?", she said, leaning against the door frame, trying to look as much as her normal disinterested, slightly annoyed teenage self as possible.

"I come to you to talk about my brother. He seemed quite upset and you were the last to talk to him. He won't talk to me."

_Oh bother._

"Well, sorry but I really don't remember talking to Fred today."

Max chuckled.

"I have two brothers actually."

Mattie sighed, but couldn't help to smile a bit. Something about Max, who often answered with such an honest innocence, reminded her so much of Sophie.

"Okay come in". She opened the door properly and stepped aside to let Max through.

He walked in, stood in the middle of the room and looked around a bit.

"I like your room. It is very nice."

"Thanks."

Mattie grabbed the "used but not so dirty that it needs washing already"- clothes from her desk chair and threw them on the ground next to it. She sat down with her left leg bent under her right one.

"Please, sit", she said to Max who looked down to the left and then down to the right before he sat down at the edge of her bed.

"You mentioned Leo being upset?"

Mattie tried hard to not look too guilty.

"Yes he is. He told me to get out of his hair for a while. I don't think his mood is correlated to any of my actions. Maybe you know what happened."

He didn't make it sound like an accusation, but Mattie knew that Max had already figured out that Leo's change of mood had something to do with her.

She sighed.

_Go on Mattie, time for your "twas I who hurt your brother" speech._

 

 

"But really how does he manage all of this?"

Max looked at her.

"Why do you want to know this Matilda?"

_Because I want to know if he is really okay. What if he's not really coping but it's all just a façade? What if he needs more help than his family can give?_ A nasty little voice inside her head replied almost immediately: _And you think you should be the one to help him? Despite you are having no actual idea of how to actually help him? Even though everything you try could probably damage him even more?_

This was when Mattie realised something.

"I think I just want him to trust me, or at least to see me at someone he can trust. "

_Maybe I want him to see me as something special. Did I try to push him in this direction? Oh god how needy and pathetic would that be? Why is him trusting me even so important? I mean yeah he's fascinating and all but why…_

_Oh shit! Oh fuck, oh god no._

This was one of the rare occasions were Max looked completely serious at Mattie.

"Leo does not have much room in his life for trust. But how do you know that he does not already see you as someone trustworthy?"

Mattie stammered, because she felt unable to focus her thoughts right after the discovery she had made about herself.

"I , I don't know I just figured…I'm sorry I think I…um"

Max looked at her and asked with the most innocent face:

"Is this one of those times when being a teenage girl is as confusing and frightening as being like me?"

Mattie couldn't help but burst into laughter. Even though her heart sped up by the thought that Max apparently knew something. She herself had only figured it out a minute ago. So if he had figured it out, who else had?

Max seemed to be amused that his comment had made her laugh. After she calmed down she answered him.

"You know what Max, I think you are right. I should probably fix this situation. I know that I really am so sorry for what I said earlier. But Maxxie what if he doesn't want to talk to me either? He must hate me now. Or at least dislike me intensely."

Max smiled at her.

"No he doesn't. You irritate him. That's all."

Mattie looked at Max in surprise.

"I irritate him? I? Him? He's the one to talk."

There was silence for a few seconds.

"How exactly do I irritate him?"

Max smiled one of his wide smiles.

"You irritate him because you care."

Mattie was taken aback.

"What? I mean I think he's used to being cared about I mean you guys care about him."

"Yes we do. But we are his family. You are not. And yet you care."

"Of course I care; I mean my whole family cares."

Max smile did seem to even widen a bit more and his eyes showed a flicker of amusement.

"Really? Your mother cares about Mia. Your father cares because of your mother. Your sister Sophie cares about Mia and Niska. Your brother Toby cares about Mia, Fred and myself. All of you cared about me when I was sick. And you, you're the one who cares about Leo. However I don't think you don't care about the others. I think every one of you just cares especially about some of us."

Mattie blushed. She knew that Max was right with his observation. She couldn't remember her mum ever addressing Leo with a question or Toby asking Niska if she wanted to play. And for some reason she always seemed to be the only one who tried to get to know Leo a bit more.

Just when she wanted to ask Max how to proceed with the situation and if Leo would accept an apology, Max with a sudden movement stood up from the bed.

"I have to go downstairs. I am helping Mia preparing a dinner. It was very nice talking to you Matilda."

"Yeah same", she muttered before Max left the room.

 

 

Mattie didn't bother to go downstairs for dinner. She didn't want to sit on the table with all of them, wondering who had figured it out, watching Leo treating her like air. She was hungry but she figured that she would simply sneak downstairs and grab something as soon as they were all asleep or charging.

According to the sound Toby was showing one of his stupid games to Fred and Max, while Niska strictly opposed to tuck Sophie in later. She could hear them arguing. "I'm not your nanny." "But you are my friend." "There you go, friends don't tuck each other into bed at night. Ask Mia or your mum. And now shush I'm trying to read." Mattie couldn't hear what was said next. "No I don't want to read a story with a bunny and a duck."

Half an hour later, Mia and Laura were tucking Sophie into bed.

Mattie could now hear chatter and laughter but nothing distinct.

Two hours later, she could hear Toby getting into bed as well as her mum. Her dad had left half an hour ago, for some reason wouldn't sleep on the couch tonight. She had heard that Max had told them all, that she did not feel well and wanted to be left alone. But she did not wonder that her mum was checking in on her anyway. She just pretended to be asleep already.

There were no more conversations.

Mattie who was dreadfully hungry now decided to wait another 15 minutes.

Just when she wanted to leave her room and opened her door a bit, she could hear steps on the stairs. Mattie carefully looked outside.

"You have to sleep in your own bed. I am not a couch you know."

Niska walked down the corridor with Sophie, who had wrapped her arms and legs around her.

"I'm sorry that I pulled your plug", she whispered softly, almost asleep again.

Niska seemed to smile a bit, which Sophie couldn't see.

She passed Mattie's room, opened the door to Sophie's and tried to lay her down on the bed. But Sophie didn't seem to want to let go.

"Tell me a story."

"You already had a story, you should be long asleep right now."

"Story, please."

Niska sighed. "Okay there was once a little monkey who wouldn't let go off a Synth. The Synth couldn't charge and never woke up again. The end."

Mattie almost expected Sophie to argue but as it turned out when Niska was making a step towards the door, she was already lying in her bed, and apparently fast asleep. Niska smiled at her and muttered: "Good night, little monkey."

Mattie carefully took a step back and closed the door to her room. She waited until the sound of footsteps had faded away.

When she opened it again, making a huge step outside, she almost collided with something on the ground.

She could just barely manage not to scream.

When she looked down, she found a tray full with food from dinner. Mattie looked the corridor up and down and listened carefully, but there was no sign of whoever had put it there for her. She took it up and went back into her room, to finally eat something.

She wondered if it had been Niska, since she had been awake shortly before, or maybe Mia. But she knew exactly whom she hoped it had been.


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 82 years. Sorry about that. But now it's finally finished. A massive thanks goes to my wonderful beta ottermo who listened for months to endless jabber of "I wrote 2 new lines today, hooray!" and was always excited when I wanted to discuss ideas. Also months before I came to finally write it she made incredible art to the most important scene of this story. Which I then used as a reference to get this scene on paper. In general without her I would have never completed this story, and if I had it would be horrible to read because commas are not something I'm very skilled at.
> 
> So massive, massive, massive thanks to you and yeah this is for my favourite pony.

When Mattie woke up the next morning and went downstairs, Leo was gone.

“His bag’s gone, but everything that was in it is still here. He normally tells us where he’s going. Oh Laura, what if something happened to him?”

Laura placed her hand on Mia’s shoulder.

“I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he just needs to get something from the shops? I mean, he emptied out his bag, but left the important stuff – maybe he just needs to carry something back here?”

“He never normally goes alone. He usually takes one of us with him,” said Fred.

“He seemed different last night. Even more lost in thought and moody than usual.” That statement came from Niska, and Mattie felt instant guilt upon hearing it.

“I have to go. I have to go look for him.”

Mia was just about to get up, looking worried and slightly panicked about things that had been left unsaid; but at that point Max interfered.

“I think Matilda should go,” he said, as he turned towards her.

Everything went silent, and every head turned towards Mattie, who’d been standing in the doorway.

“Me?”

Laura looked suspiciously at Max.

“Her? Why her?”

_Oh God, please don’t tell them, please don’t tell them._

“Because she and I have found him before, and it was her who spotted him first. Leo said I should always have company when going outside. She can keep me company while I am driving. And she can bring her laptop in case of an emergency.”

_Oh thank God, nice save Maxxie._

Mattie just nodded.

“I’ll get my stuff.”

“Mattie, you haven’t even had breakfast yet!” Laura called after her.

Mattie stuck her head back into the kitchen.

“Could you just make me some? I’ll eat it on the road. Thank you.” Mattie replied before she turned around again and ran up to her room.

Max turned towards his brothers and sisters and gave them a big smile.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find him. I’m sure he’s okay.”

Fred smiled back slightly, Mia just looked worried, and Niska stared suspiciously at Max, who put his cap on his head and turned around, leaving the kitchen to wait for Mattie at the bottom of the stairs.

 

 

“Whe’ shou’ we luk fo’ ’em?”

“I’m sorry Matilda, I can’t understand you. Maybe you should chew and swallow your sandwich first.”

“Where should we look for him?” asked Mattie, after she’d done as advised.

“I have a few ideas. I know Leo, I can estimate where he is most likely to be.”

They checked the social club where Leo and Max had been hiding. No sign of Leo.

They checked the petrol station where he used to buy batteries and cheap chocolate bars. No sign of Leo.

They even checked with the security man of a scrapyard. Mattie got out of the car, and invented a story about her synth misunderstanding her little sister’s game of hide and seek. She asked if they’d seen a male who didn’t belong there at the yard. They hadn’t. Just before the security guard offered to call some kind of authority to help her, Max slipped out of the car, made it look like he approached from a different direction and played the part of the now rediscovered Synth.

But there was still no sign of Leo.

Back in the car, Mattie was afraid that they were running out of possibilities. She could see in Max’s face that he was confused that they’d not found Leo yet.

“Do we have any idea where else to look?”

Max slowly turned towards her.

“There is one place, but it’s highly unlikely that he’d be there. It’s too far away and it all burned down, years ago.”

“You mean the house you all lived in? With the lake nearby where Leo…?”

Mattie couldn’t bring herself to finish that sentence. Max nodded.

_Wait a second. What if?_

“Max, I think I know where to go.”

 

 

“I think we should talk.”

Mattie nodded slowly. She’d always thought that this moment, should it ever arrive, would be an emotional one. Even though her heart was hammering in her chest, she felt rather cold, somehow rational; pragmatic, even. Like a switch had just been flipped in her head.

_Fuck it. No being clever and no witty replies this time._

Leo looked at her in stern silence.

“What do you want to know?” Mattie asked, returning his gaze.

She knew that the beginning was always the hardest part. There were so many intertwined emotions and impressions that wanted to be expressed. With the right beginning they’d probably be able to go about it point by point.

And she most certainly wouldn’t just give it all away. He would have to ask the right questions.

“What is it? Between you and me, I mean. I haven’t been able to figure it out. It’s so…”

“Hard to put your finger on?” Mattie completed his sentence, after she’d fought the urge to reply with the usual ‘I’m fucked if I know’. When it came to herself she already knew what was going on. Now she just had to figure out the bigger picture.

Leo nodded. Mattie sighed. Maybe it was her job, after all, to help him get started.

“I know. But seriously, Leo, what exactly do you want to know?”

There were two options. One courageous question and one honest reply. Or slowly making their way through layers of questions.

“What do you think about Niska?”

_Oh great, we’re taking the scenic route today._

She usually knew Leo as a straightforward kind of guy, but, at least in her mind, it seemed to be a good sign that he wanted to take his time. Investigating, analysing and comprehending. Like the whole situation was a code he needed to crack. If he didn’t care at all, he would have just asked her baldly.

“I think she’s angry, I think she regrets what she’s done. I know Sophie likes her, but I don’t know much about her.”

“Fred?”

“Nice. Gets along well with Toby. A proper, responsible adult. Again, I don’t know much about him and frankly he isn’t really a bubbly person.”

“Did you ever try to get to know them better?” Leo asked her, and by then she was sure again of where his question were aimed.

“No, I didn’t.”

Leo took this information in.

“So it’s only me then, isn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that. I had a few good talks with Max, and I’m very fond of Mia.”

Leo took the bait.

“What have you talked about with Max?” he asked, honestly surprised.

“This and that. What it’s like being a conscious synth, compared to being a teenage girl. And we talked about you. He was the one who told me not to be afraid of you. And of what you are.”

Leo swallowed and nodded, whilst staring at the lake.

Mattie knew he wouldn’t ask anything else anytime soon, so she lit herself a cigarette and took a deep puff.

“That’s bad for you.” He said with a side-glance.

Mattie exhaled the smoke.

“So what? Not gonna start going all patronising on me, are you?”

Leo merely shook his head.

“Good.”

She took another puff.

“Mattie, are you afraid of me, sometimes?”

“Nope. I would have left if Max hadn’t convinced me, though. But apart from that… Frustrated sometimes with your behaviour, and slightly creeped out at the beginning? Yes. Afraid? No.”

Leo nodded. “Fair enough.”

At this point, Mattie wasn’t sure if they’d reached a dead end.

“I’m not exactly an easy person to be around, you know?”

_Oh hell to the yes._

“Neither am I. Well, according to some people. I don’t know why they think that. After all, being a teenager is so much fun!”

_Okay, apparently I really can’t function without contributing sarcastic comments to serious conversations. Great one, Mattie._

Leo smirked slightly, and then turned around to look at her again.

For a moment it looked like he was gathering his courage.

Mattie could feel her own heart skip. This had to be it.

“Why do you care so much, Mattie, not only about my family and what happens to us, but about me. Why do you care so much about me?”

_Whomp, there it is._

“Honestly?” Mattie looked at him questioningly, and put her cigarette out on the ground. Leo nodded again. For a second she feared that her voice would not be as steady and rational as she wanted it to be.

“At first I didn’t even know. You were just this weird, messy, grumpy guy. And then it turned out you were a hella smart, grumpy guy. And to be honest, you have your funny moments, in a witty way I mean. I like witty. And then the whole…what you are and stuff. I was scared for a bit back there, I admit that. I don’t know, I’ve never met someone quite like you before. You are…fascinating.”

Leo sighed deeply, and she could almost feel him starting to build his walls up again.

Mattie felt her heart miss a beat again. Okay, it had been a somewhat hidden “I really, really like you”, but him reacting by going all Leo-y on her couldn’t be a good sign, could it?

“So you were afraid for a second of what I am, and then decided to get to know me because I’m a piece of oh-so-fascinating technology?” He sounded resigned.

Mattie felt instantly so relieved that she almost started smirking, but with one side-glance at Leo, she regained control over this urge. She took a deep breath.

_Pragmatic. Rational. Somewhat cold. Leo has to get it on both levels. Don’t get all emotional on him all of a sudden. Get a grip, Matilda._

“No, you got that wrong. I almost left back there. I would have, if Max hadn’t told me that you never showed him anything but love.”

“Oh how wondrous, a half machine that can feel,” Leo said bitterly.

Mattie sighed internally.

_Oh Leo, you’re a cactus and your spines are made of accusations and self-pity._

Mattie could feel her patience slip for a second, so she replied more harshly than she had originally planned to do.

“Don’t start that shit with me now, because that’s not how it was.”

Leo looked her in the eye; his own expression reduced to defiance, and maybe even something that came close to hope, beneath the surface look of hurt.

_Or maybe I’m imagining things._

Mattie stared him down and cleared her throat, after he had to avert his gaze.

“I wanted to know what was going on, that’s true. But I also wanted to know…” Mattie interrupted her own sentence. This was going to be the really hard part.

“I’ve never met a _human_ quite like you, okay?” She stressed the word human especially. “I don’t know what you think, or feel, for that matter - your whole being is so different from mine. The way you see things; the stuff you’ve experienced. You’re different from everyone I know. You fascinate me. I’m interested in what you have to say about coding, on your view on bubble tea, on your stories about your favourite toy from when you were a kid, and all that stuff, all that trivia… it makes you …you, you know?”

_Great, now I’ve gone broken record-y._

“And I’d enjoy to hear those trivial things from you. You could tell me a fifteen minute anecdote about mustard, for all I care. I would listen and I would like listening to it because it would be you saying it, okay?”

_Who wants to hear a nice “I like-like you” when you can have passive aggression instead? Oh Mattie, you moron._

Mattie had to catch her breath. She hadn’t intended to get so heated over the topic – she’d really tried to keep it cool, but she just couldn’t do it in the end. Her heart was racing and her cheeks were burning and she needed a moment to collect herself before she turned around to see Leo’s reaction to this outburst.

Leo looked absolutely gobsmacked. The implication of deeper feelings for him seemed to have taken him completely and utterly unawares. He cleared his throat at least three times, in between opening his mouth and closing it again.

The seconds felt like hours. They’d clearly passed the time frame of “Oh wow, I don’t know what to say to that, wow” and had gone straight to: “I can’t understand where this is coming from, I can’t emphasise with this view at all, and I don’t know how to react to it either”.

After almost two minutes of overwhelmed speechlessness, Mattie had to concentrate very hard to stop the twitching of the muscles in the corner of her mouth.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry. Don’t you fucking dare cry._

She took a deep breath and forced herself to regain control over her facial expression; she could feel tears prickling in her eyes.

_Alright. That’s that then._

Mattie stood up, crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared at Leo, with one eyebrow raised.

Leo didn’t react. His gaze was unfocused; he was apparently lost in thought.

Mattie felt her throat closing up with overwhelming feelings.

“Fine …I...”, her voice cracked.

Mattie turned around and left.

 

 

The whole of the next week she found Leo more reserved than ever.

He didn’t talk to her, he didn’t acknowledge her presence. When they absolutely needed to talk in social situations with their families present, he chose to talk to a spot of wall a few inches past her ear. Sometimes she had the feeling that he was glancing at her, lost in thought, but every time she looked back any more obviously than out of the corner of her eyes, the glancing stopped immediately.

By now, she wasn’t even sure anymore if she minded his behaviour.

She took what happened at the lake as rejection, and though the hurt was still there, by now it had changed. It was now a dull feeling, omnipresent but only lingering on as long as she wasn’t feeding it with thoughts. This was so much better than the pain of the first two days, which she’d spent pretending to be the normally moody teenager with additional period cramps that gave her an excuse to stay in bed most of the time.

Something about the unique weirdness of her situation had stopped her from bawling her eyes out.

_I’m a human, who used to spent her time cracking synths, breaking down components of their data, and now I’ve fallen for a half synth who kinda broke my heart, aka a component of me. That’s almost ironic, in a twisted-thinking kind of way._

Max had tried to talk to her about what had happened, Mia had tried to talk to her about her health, her mum had tried to talk to her about Harun, whom she thought responsible for this moody phase, Toby had tried to borrow a computer game and Sophie had tried to sneak under the blanket with her. All had gotten more or less the same response: “Go away or I will bleed on you and everything you love”. Everyone, that is, except for Sophie, who’d been welcomed with open arms and stayed for a cuddly nap-time.

 

 

It had been a week and Mattie still felt horrible and sulky.

_I’m gonna have to pull a “suck it up and get some air”._

She left the house early in the morning, when she could be sure not to bump into anyone. Her family was still asleep, the synths were still charging, and Leo, well…his shoes were missing, but that weirdo was probably doing something like meeting illegal headcrackers or binge-buying chocolate from the nearest shop or leaving relatives in brothels right now, so why should she care.

Originally, Mattie had intended to borrow Toby’s bike, but then the air was so refreshingly cold, and she had an enormous feeling of pressure build up in her chest, so she started to jog, which she hadn’t done in a long, long time. While her feet were hitting the ground, her head seemed to slip into a state of Zen. An enormous void where once there had been nagging thoughts and memories. Until then she had thought that this whole “sport will clear your head” thing was utter bullshit, only uttered by frustrated, middle-aged people. But apparently there was something to it, at least in this situation.

As she enjoyed this new feeling of not having to think about Leo, or feel the sting of last week’s events, she didn’t pay attention to where she was going. She only opened her perception of the world up again when her feet had stopped because she’d apparently stepped into water.

In a confused daze, Mattie looked around. She was panting, and with a blow that made her crouch and put her hands on her knees she realised the shooting pain in her sides. For a second she thought she would have to vomit.

Mattie concentrated on her breathing, because there was a sharp and metallic taste in her mouth every time she gasped for more air.

_I seriously need to work out more. Or quit smoking. Or both._

When the pain got better, she stood up straight and took a few steps back, realising that by now the water from the lake had totally soaked her shoes.

_The lake…_

Mattie spun her head around.

_Yep, the same spot as last week. Thank you, feet, you bloody traitors._

To Mattie it felt like some sort of bad joke from her subconscious or the universe or whomever she could blame for this.

She felt pretty much like screaming at someone right then, when suddenly a someone presented himself.

“Didn’t know you were training for a marathon.”

Mattie froze.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” she mumbled, and turned around slowly.

Leo looked up at her, his face showing the same detached interest that had made her so interested in him in the first place, as well as right now making her want to punch him on the nose.

“What, now you’re talking to me again?” she asked, tone a lot harsher than she’d planned.

He just shrugged his shoulder. “I was never not talking to you.” After she threw him a look, he quickly added, “Well not really, anyway. I needed time to think. That’s all.”

Mattie snickered.

“And you couldn’t have taken that time any less rudely? Any less self-absorbed? Any less ‘I-put-you-aside-until-it’s-convenient-for-me?”

_Am I babbling? Fuck, who knows and who cares._

Mattie stared at him, and for a brief second she thought she could see a flicker of discomfort, even a bit of guilt, on his face.

“Sorry,” he muttered quietly, avoiding her gaze.

“Yeah right,” Mattie sighed, unconvinced, and then slowly sat down beside him. “So out of all the hell-of-a-lot of thinking you’ve been doing, was there anything in particular?”

She tried as hard as she could to sound casually uninterested and a little bit bored.

Leo cleared his throat.

“Well, actually I was thinking about you.”

_Me?_

“Me?” Mattie asked, and felt a bit like a parrot of her own thoughts.

“Yeah, you.” Leo nodded.

Mattie’s heart betrayed all her efforts from the last week, and started racing, but she tried not to get her hopes up. After all, this was Leo that she was talking to. ‘I was thinking about you’ as a phrase could, with him, also end in ‘and I realised I don’t like you at all’. Mattie picked up a little stick and poked it into the earth, seemingly distracted by this new activity.

_This would be so much easier if he would just start fucking talking._

After a while, she couldn’t hold it back any longer. Mattie tossed away the stick.

“You thought about me…and??? Do I always have to pull words out of your nose?”

Leo just looked at her.

“Maybe talking to you isn’t always as easy for me as it is for you,” he stated simply. There was no raising of the eyebrow, no slightly annoyed tone, just a mere fact being addressed.

Mattie swallowed hard and nodded.

“Fair enough,” she whispered.

 

 

“Mattie, all this…don’t think for one second that I’m not entirely grateful for everything you’ve done for us.”

“But?”

Leo rubbed his head, apparently struggling for words, before he finally burst out: “The whole feelings stuff just seems… stupid, you know? Do I like you, do you like me, you know, all that stuff, isn’t that totally meaningless in the end?”

Mattie felt like someone had thrown her into ice water that now seemed to drench her insides.

_Wow, glad I didn’t get my hopes up then ha ha …fuck._

Leo, who was now finally going and talking about his thoughts and feelings, didn’t even seem to notice the change in Mattie’s body language and facial expression.

“I mean, there’s what happened to Mia and to Fred and to Max… and Niska’s recent behaviour may have got better, but we’re still in danger of facing the consequences. And we can’t live at your house forever. I need to look after my family; I have to hold them together. What would liking you, or your family, add to this? More people to worry for. More annoying distractions from our goal. I can’t waste time considering stupid little feelings now. My family should be - is - more important.”

Mattie swallowed hard, trying to blink back tears.

_Okay, once again, don’t fucking cry. He thinks I have stupid little feelings and I’m an annoying distraction. Nice one, Leo, why not just call me an insufferable burden to your cause, because I can’t manage my feelings like Synths do?...You utter little prick!_

Mattie stood up. She could feel the anger of hurt feelings welling up inside her.

“Got it. Understood. All fucking right. Don’t you worry Leo, no one with ‘stupid little feelings’,” she almost hissed the words at him, “will be a burden to your glorious cause. Well not anymore, anyway. You know, sometimes you’re such a…ugh, never mind.” She walked a few steps away from him, now seriously getting fed up with him, and after making up her mind, walked back towards him.

“You know what? Fuck this. No matter what I say or do, you have always the perfect excuse for why you act and react in the ways you do, don’t you? Who needs consideration for stuff that no one has control over? Who needs nice words. Just be brutally honest, that’s your thing, next to hiding every single emotion of course, but then be brutally honest to the weird sods who dare to express emotions to you without being part of your family. Treat everyone like you always do, like you’re nothing more but a victim of your own circumstances, but it’s alright, you are what you are and therefore you can treat others like you always do, right?! Who needs progress in that area? Oh, Leo treated you poorly in a situation that is related to emotions? Oh well, that’s just what Leo does, so stop bitching or whining or both! He can’t help it. That’s how he is, why should he change and learn how to treat people in a nicer or even decent way?! I mean it’s their own fault, when they try to even accommodate him in a conversation, so that he won’t feel too alienated by the stupid little feelings of stupid little girls!”

Mattie had to gasp for breath. She’d been talking so fast that she wasn’t sure if Leo had understood it all, even on an acoustic level.

“Are you finished?” he asked calmly. He hadn’t really understood it all, but had already analysed his memories of this moment, trying to find something he’d said that would explain Mattie’s sudden angry outburst.

“No, now follows the part where I say a heartfelt: ‘Fuck you!’ and storm off,” answered Mattie, then spun around on her heel and did as announced.

She didn’t expect him to go after her, she didn’t even think about it as a possible way for him to react. In her mind he just faded into the background, the same way he’d emerged from it so suddenly earlier on.

 

 

"Mattie, wait!” Leo shouted. A few minutes of angry storming off had passed. If she had been willing to either stop and face him, or to slow down and at least glance back at him, she would have been in for a surprise. Though his hands were burrowed deeply in his pockets, as usual, his normal head-tilted, somewhat-slouchy fast walk had turned into a half-jog in order to catch up with her.

"Matilda, wait!” he repeated, this time with more urgency in his voice. Mattie, who didn't like the sudden usage of her birth-name, came abruptly to a standstill, whirled around with one sharp move and immediately snarled at him.

"What! For fucksake, Leo, what?!" She crossed her arms in front of her body, as she always did when she was feeling vulnerable or extremely pissed off, and in this case it was probably due to both. Leo stood there with his mouth slightly open, first in surprise about her sudden reaction and then in order to regulate his breathing again.

_Oh great, look where I laid my affections, a grumpy fish._

Mattie squinted her eyes in order to give him the death stare, but she still noticed that the vein beside his eye was twitching, almost as if from nervousness.

"What, Leo, what is it?" Mattie asked, her voice a lot calmer, with a tint of emotional exhaustion, but nevertheless with a demanding quality in it.

Instead of answering her, he took a few steps in her direction. Mattie raised her eyebrow questioningly. He was so close to her now that, were he anybody else, she would want to take a step back. But him being him, she couldn’t help but feel tingly inside. What was he doing?

Leo swallowed hard, and carefully placed one hand on Mattie’s cheek.

_…………is he………what is he………_

Mattie found it incredibly hard to focus on a clear thought. A shiver went down her spine when he placed his other hand on her other cheek.

_……_

Mattie, although she felt like her insides were crawling with ants and butterflies and her heart had joined a step dancing class for advanced learners, couldn’t help but feel irritated as well. What on earth was going on? Was he going to kiss her? Leo? Kissing her?

She automatically held her breath with confusion and excitement, when, after only seconds had passed, Leo moved his face towards hers.

Mattie could feel her body stiffen with tension, always being suspicious and cautious in such situations. She’d punched Harun accidentally on the nose once when he had stood in front of her and suddenly leapt down to kiss her on the cheek.

She pressed her eyes shut, waiting for the impact of his lips against hers. When Leo’s face touched her face, after seconds that had felt like hours, she opened her eyes wide in surprise and let her breath out all at once. The bad tension fell off her immediately and the step-dancing heart and the tingly feelings stayed.

Mattie could feel Leo’s warmth radiating from his forehead onto her own. She stared at him in amazement. His closed eyes and his relaxed body language told a whole different story to what he had been saying only a few minutes ago.

And then Mattie became aware of the huge misunderstanding that had happened between them. She almost wanted to laugh, while Leo was non-verbally clarifying it for her. He seemed to say: "Not your stupid little feelings, Mattie. I meant mine."

Neither Leo nor Mattie spoke a word in the following minutes. They just stood there, Mattie now with her eyes closed as well, and a smile on her face, their foreheads gently pressed against each other.

Leo thought for a few seconds about telling her that just like she had never met a human quite like him, he’d also never met a human quite like her. But then he decided to remain silent and enjoy the moment.

Sometimes it’s just not the time for conversations.


End file.
